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Sketch: So You Think You Can Rap?

INT. MASSIVE, POSH THEATER -- NIGHT

Dozens of television cameras come to life.  An enormous audience sits in the darkened theater as two men stand on the stage.  The Host is very handsome and probably never worked a day in his life.  The man beside him stands nervously, his fingers fumbling with the heavy golden chains hanging around his neck.  He wears a crooked ball cap and very low, saggy jeans.  His boxer shorts are showing, shiny and gold with eight balls inlaid all around.  He wore them in honor of the judges he now faces.

At the foot of the stage is a large, illuminated desk.  Four men sit behind it, the famed members of Chalkskin.  They blow kisses and wave to the crowd as they roar in excited anticipation.

The moment has finally come.

                                          HOST
          Welcome back to “So You Think You Can Rap?,” the show that
          makes or breaks America’s next top rapper.  If you’re just tuning
          in, we’re down to our finalist, and one million dollars in cold, hard
          cash is on the line.  Ice Dawg just set the mic on fire, and we’re
          waiting on the judges.  Ice Dawg, how are you feeling?

                                          ICE DAWG
          Well, I’ve got to be serious.  I’m a bit nervous.  I gotta thank God
          I’m even on this stage, being Scottish and all.  Me winning could
          help me get me mum out of the Highlands!

The audience laughs.  Ice Dawg isn’t entirely sure why.

                                          HOST
          Aw.  Aw, that’s great!  Looks like the judges are ready.  Rich
          Prophet, what did you think?

                                          RICH PROPHET
          Ice Dawg.  Wooh!  Brother.  Yeah, it’s Rich Prophet.  Thank
          you.  Thank you.

Tepid applause.

                                          RICH PROPHET
          If my buttcheeks had tear ducts, they would be cryin’ right
          now, man You really. . .  You touched my soul with that, dogg.

                                          ICE DAWG
          Ah!  That’s very kind of you.

                                          J-MAN
          That was beautiful.  I concur.  I concur.

                                          RICH PROPHET
          You - you really - you really knocked it out of the park with this
          one.  I didn’t see it comin’.  Rich Prophet says. . .  Ice Dawg,
          you can rap.

The audience cheers loudly for their favorite rapping Scott.

                                          HOST
          Alright, that’s one vote for you, Ice Dawg!  D.J. Pop’N’Fresh?

                                          D.J. POP’N’FRESH
          You wrote those lyrics?

                                          ICE DAWG
          Yeah, I did.  Every word.

                                          D.J. POP’N’FRESH
          Very impressive.  Your syncopated use of alliteration was
          invigorating, and the metaphors you treated us to were almost
          Busta’ Rhymes-esque.  

                                          ICE DAWG
          Thank you.  Thank you so much!

                                          D.J. POP’N’FRESH
          You can rap!

Again, the audience is in rapture.

                                          HOST
          That’s two!  J-Man?

                                          J-MAN
          I hear it.  Like - What - Brother, wha - what are you made of?  
          Like, seriously - like I - what are you made - like -  Forty ounce
          bottles.  And then I see, like, this weird Sesame Street thing
          goin’.

                                          ICE DAWG
          Yes?

                                          J-MAN
          Kinda this Tickle me J-Man thing goin’.  Uh!  Feelin’ it!

                                          ICE DAWG
          Um. . . What?

                                          HOST
          What are you saying, J-Man?

                                          J-MAN
          What is that rumblin’ off the leaves of my ears?

                                          HOST
          What did you just say, J-Man?

The crowd grows restless.

                                          J-MAN
          Oh oh, I heard it through the J-Vine, and I’m ‘bout to lose
          my mind.  Chalky chalky, yeah!

                                          RICH PROPHET
          Uh.  Wait, wait, what!?

                                          HOST
          J-Man, what are you talking about?

                                          J-MAN
          Brother looks like a baby.  Brother sounds like a baby.

                                          ICE DAWG
          I don’t understand!

                                          J-MAN
          You know, this reminds me of the time Pop’N’Fresh and I
          were lost in that zoo.  And we were runnin’ around, and that
          tiger came up to us and was all. . .
                         (Unintelligible garble funk.)

                                          ICE DAWG
          I don’t understand a blimey thing he’s sayin’!

                                          J-MAN
          . . .and Pop was all, “I’ll take care of it.”

                   HOST
          J-Man, use your words.
                                           
                                          J-MAN
          Ice Dawg. . .   You, sir. . .  Can rap!

The audience lets out a collective sigh.  Oh!  That’s what he was saying!  Of course!  What a mystery J-Man is.  A sexy, sexy enigma.  He’s so deep.  Kind of like John Lennon.

                                          HOST
          That’s three, but this is the final round, and you need all
          four votes.  M.C. Chalkskin, it’s all down to you.

                                   M.C. CHALKSKIN
          Yo, hip hop is dead, man.  Long live the king.

                                          HOST
          Does that mean that, yes, in fact Ice Dawg can rap and has
          won one million dollars?

                                          M.C. CHALKSKIN
          Hell no!

The crowd cries out in shock!  If M.C. Chalkskin doesn’t think Ice Dawg can rap, then they must have been wrong about him.  How many other things have they been wrong about in the past?  Did they pick the right mate?  Profession?  Breed of terrier?  Child to spare?  If only Chlakskin were always around to set them straight.  To show them right and wrong.  Their world is in shambles.

                                          M.C. CHALKSKIN
          He can’t rap, man.  Not like Chalkskin can.  Get off my stage,
          man, and give me that mic!

                                          ICE DAWG
          What are you talkin’ about?

                                          M.C. CHALKSKIN
          Come to me with that and expect to get paid.

                                          D.J. POP’N’FRESH
          I thought he was pretty good.

                                          RICH PROPHET
          Yeah, don’t listen to Chalkskin.

                                          J-MAN
          You’re trippin’.  He was all “doot-doot-doot-doot-doo
          sweet!!”

Wait!  If Chalkskin and the rest of the members of Chalkskin don’t always agree, then that makes them fallible.  How could they be so foolish and follow these straw god?!  Boo!!

                                          M.C. CHALKSKIN
          Naw.  None’a ya’ll know a thing about rap!  Yo, give
          Chalkskin the money!  I declare myself America’s next top
          rapper!

                                          ICE DAWG
          Not even a chance!

                                          HOST
                          (Laughing.)
          Okay.

                                          M.C. CHALKSKIN
          Give me the money!

                                          ICE DAWG
          That’s stupid!

                                          M.C. CHALKSKIN
          J-Man all “doot-doot-doot sweet!”  Rich Prophet always talkin’
          ‘bout something.

                                          ICE DAWG
          You may take me PayDay. . . but you’ll never take. . . me
          microphone!!  Gu bràth!!  Wiggity wiggity wiggity wack.


Written by: Sheepdog David Grant
Recorded by: Hunter Bressan for West-One Productions
Edited by: Sheepdog David Grant
Music by: Sheepdog David Grant
Host: Jesse Dillon Sorrells
Ice Dawg: Mark McKinney
Themselves: Rich Prophet, DJ Pop’N’Fresh, J-Man, MC Chalkskin

Copyright 2012 for all content from "PayDay."

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